day 15 - home sick

i feel homesick today.
or more, i'm me sick.
i miss being able to be myself.
dressing the way i like to dress.
acting the way i like to act.
doing things i like to do.
i mean, i do things i like to do here.
but here i am Samantha, John and Mary's granddaughter.
not Charlotte.
and it's very difficult to deal with.

my grandma said "your strange clothes" when we were talking.
i have dulled my wardrobe down so much, i can't even stand to look at myself.
i have no energy to do my hair, and the fact that i am missing a nail doesn't bother me. the fact that my nails are grown out and need to be filled doesn't bother me.
i don't have energy to do my makeup, put on my contacts, or even pick out clothes. i just grab what is on the top of the pile.

i feel dead inside, i guess.
a droid to my responsibilities.
and it's really-really disgusting when i think about it.
i never want to live a life where if i dress how i'd like to dress i'd be looked down upon. and wont be able to get ahead.
which is why i think California will be a good place for me, mostly because i wont be alone. i have my puppy here. and it helps a lot. but i feel like i'm losing myself. if i didn't have the internet i wouldn't have made it this long.

i leave on the 26th, so i will make it the full way through. but i don't know how i will be able to explain this to my grandparets. i don't really know if i should, but the woman at the kennel said i was "depressed looking" today. it wont be long before they notice, too.
i just want my nice clothes again.
but NO ONE here cares how they look. so if you do you get a gaze of death.




i made brownies, which relaxed me a lot. until i fucked up and put way too much cocoa powder in. so then i threw out the batch, made another, and didn't have enough cacao powder. so i went to THREE different stores to try to find it. because i didn't want to go all the way out to the grocery store. but i ended up going anyway, so i got really pissed off.
then when i got back Grandma was like "i thought of something, right after you left. you could have made a double batch instead."
i was just like :|....
the home made ones aren't even as good as from a box mix.
wtf
i never mess up baking at home, but i do at other peoples houses. bakers anxiety?
idk.

idk i am just in a bad mood today.
i want to go back to work and make money.
but i don't have work until Wednesday. so i'm like wtf am i supposed to do until then?
sit around at home.
that's what.
and go to the kennel. the girl i don't like as much was there today.
i like Steff better. she's nicer.

i want this to be over.
two more weeks.
only 8 of those days will i earn any money.
:|

no pix today.
:3